HOUSEWORK
Being a single parent (in my case a single grand dad) it makes for two kinds of housework..
The normal wear and tear stuff like doing dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning for my Grandson and our two dogs, three cats, and two goldfish...
It doesn't seem like much, compared to what my Mom did with the same amount of pets and four kids...
And she did it with a smile...
Some people you just can't live up too...
It's harder for me I think cuz.....Cuz I want it to be part-time I guess..
I don't find a lot of fulfillment in it as a top priority in my life..
It's what I got to do, being a 'grown up' and a 'model' of a productive individual in the eyes of my Grandson...The luggage of parenting.
Things are a little better now though...After two years of off and on again remodeling around here we now have a kitchen sink again..
Yeah, two years before the mast of doing dishes in the bathtub...No wonder my back is wack..
I just got done with this one part of the house Shane (Grandson) and I designated 'the jungle room'...Theme rooms, that's us...We got jungle room, ocean room, music room, and no room actually finished..
Jungle room is a kind of sitting room that you have to pass through to get just about anywhere else in the house..
Anyway I fixed up jungle room pretty nice..I thought it was pretty nice anyway...I had to let Shane start sleeping in there cuz school has started and he's too hard to get up in the morning out of his usual habitat...He has a 25 foot camper trailer he lives in on the side.
I have to get up at 5am to get his ass to school by 7:30, and I got tired off banging on his trailer every morning in my underwear trying to wake him up...
24 hours after I got done fixing up jungle room and presented it to Shane, it became apparent there was a gorilla living there..
It's overwhelming working on this house...It was a fixer upper when I purchased it
twenty years ago...
I put a little money and time into it as economics and work schedules allow...
I do the work on the house myself...
Not cuz I am special...Just cuz I can't afford anybody to do it for me..
Oh, I've hired 'handymen'...I guess I just haven't hired any 'handy' handymen..
The last guy's favorite saying was "I am not in the right 'frame' of mind to work today"..
I started with the foundation of the house and worked my way up..
It's a post and tier foundation which has both pros and cons..
The good part is there is no slab to bust up in earthquakes..
The foundation flexes during those scary times and this type of foundation works really well because of it..
The problem with post and tier is the foundation tends to sag in spots as time marches on...This house was built in 1950 and when I moved in the sub structure was original...
The term 'plumb' does not apply...It's a nightmare in that regard...
The first month I spent more time under the house adding support to the main frame than I care to remember...I got to know the spiders living there on a first name bases..
Today I am pulling out a window and creating a door...I rip off some wood and everything comes to a grinding halt...Wasps...
Lots of Wasps...Pissed off too...What? I didn't knock first?...
Was I suppose to call ahead?
I grab the closest weapon at hand...It's the propane torch I use to weld water pipe..
No mercy.
Shane, is coming unglued.."Don't kill em Dad!"...
"Get real" I comment to him never averting my eyes from my prey..
Shane and I share a common value when it comes to other life..
Neither of us find any enjoyment in the destruction of the living..
However, he wasn't nearly as close to the action as I.
My Zen Buddhist lent evaporated promptly leaving in it's wake a murdering pyromaniac..."Redrum"..."Redrum."
"Just goes ta' show ya' that it's always somethin'." (Roseann Roseanna Danna) Probably not spelt right but what the hell..
That's how it is working on the house..
Everything takes eight hours..
Three steps backwards to get one step forward..
Tools..Always vanishing, and when they reappear, always six inches out of reach..
Measuring...A tape measure is the 'model' Plato speaks of...
Once you transform the model onto a piece of wood and cut it , the imperfection of the 'real' world becomes excruciatingly apparent.
Fasteners: Nails...Just cuz I am paranoid doesn't mean their not all out to get me.
Drywall screws...I can't hold onto a drywall screw with a glove on...Even with the good gloves you can pick up a dime with..
Got to hold it with bare fingers...A the end of the day theres so much metal embedded in my fingers...Edward Scissorhands comes to mind..
I got to hold down the tendency to make 'short cuts'...Like drywall taping...It's a three step process and it's supposed to take three days to do it right..
This is where the practicing Zen really comes in handy...
I can't let my brain start thinking about all the stuff I'd rather be doing...
Got to 'be' the drywall mud...Got to 'be' the sander...
Trust me that's not the hard part...
After sanding that shit for 5 minutes there is so much drywall dust caked to my head and face 'I am' the drywall mud..
It gets complicated working on the place and living in it at the same time..While I am fixing up the bathroom the kid is shooting bee bee bullets into the ceiling of the bedroom I haven't done yet...
I guess he figures it's fine cuz dad has to redo this room anyway..
The dogs and cats...The spoiled dogs and cats..
Dogs have to lay down right where I am working, so I am tripping over them all day...
The cats think they are County Building Inspectors...
Always on the job..
I wish somebody would tell them they are suppose to wait till I call them to come out..
The phone is a constant interruption...
Honestly, doesn't anyone write letters anymore?
I don't know, I try to be rude, I try to tell em I am busy, they just keep calling back...
Ain't I the popular one....Too bad it's always bill collectors...
Then there is this...Blogging...It's like a fisherman's wife....Keeps bugging me..."You should be writing"..."You should be writing"...When I give up and start writing the other wife starts in..."You should be making music"..."You should be making music"..
So, yeah, I usually do three or four things at the same time..
That's a strength isn't it?...They call it able to perform multi-concurrent activities?
Whoops....I checked the spelling and there is no such word as muti-concurrent...
I guess it's just me then...
Friday, September 26, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Dark Flow
Scientist has recently discovered some galaxy clusters that are not obeying the know traffic laws per the Big Bang 13.7 billion years ago..
The energy created via the Big Bang causing the outward expansion of the known universe is called 'dark energy'..
It is the stuff that causes a firework to send all the pretties expanding overhead with the effect....Ooohs, and aaaahhhs..
Lately though Scientists have something new to talk about in the lunch room..
A galaxy like our Milky Way is about 100,000 light years across..
Resorces: Space.com HubbleSite.org
The energy created via the Big Bang causing the outward expansion of the known universe is called 'dark energy'..
It is the stuff that causes a firework to send all the pretties expanding overhead with the effect....Ooohs, and aaaahhhs..
Lately though Scientists have something new to talk about in the lunch room..
A galaxy like our Milky Way is about 100,000 light years across..
Galaxy clusters are up to a thousand galaxies kind of 'hanging out' together.....Galaxy,.... friends...
Yeah, there all over out there, conforming to the speed limits and directions dictated by 'dark energy' and gravity...There are accidents of course...In fact the Milky Way and Andromeda galaxies are due to collide in about 3 billion years...
It seems a natural element of continued growth is in play..When galaxies collide or merge new stars are created replacing others that have run the course of their life..
Yeah, there all over out there, conforming to the speed limits and directions dictated by 'dark energy' and gravity...There are accidents of course...In fact the Milky Way and Andromeda galaxies are due to collide in about 3 billion years...
It seems a natural element of continued growth is in play..When galaxies collide or merge new stars are created replacing others that have run the course of their life..
Anyway, out there in the sky in a region between the constellations Centaurus and Vela there are some galaxy clusters that are moving very fast and also....going in the wrong direction...Something is pulling these big dogs, up and out, and in a big way (2 million mph)...Compared to our leisurely 1.34 million mph jaunt across the universe..
Scientist have termed the previously unknown energy source 'Dark Flow'...
Scientist have termed the previously unknown energy source 'Dark Flow'...
The current conclusion in the lunch room is that whatever is driving these clusters must lie beyond the known universe...
In these regions, space-time might be very different, and likely doesn't contain stars and galaxies (which only formed because of the particular density pattern of mass in our bubble). It could include giant, massive structures much larger than anything in our own observable universe. These structures are what researchers suspect are tugging on the galaxy clusters, causing the dark flow.
In these regions, space-time might be very different, and likely doesn't contain stars and galaxies (which only formed because of the particular density pattern of mass in our bubble). It could include giant, massive structures much larger than anything in our own observable universe. These structures are what researchers suspect are tugging on the galaxy clusters, causing the dark flow.
Tugging???....That's a mightly polite definition...
So, yeah, this new discovery should help scientist in the future better understand what was going on before the Big Bang 13.7 billion years ago, and also,....what's going on outside the universe that we can 'see'...
So, yeah, this new discovery should help scientist in the future better understand what was going on before the Big Bang 13.7 billion years ago, and also,....what's going on outside the universe that we can 'see'...
Resorces: Space.com HubbleSite.org
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Cause and Effect
The horrific acts by a 22-year-old gunman in Kauhajoki Finland Tuesday put me to question
the effects of such violence unleashed upon the world..
I do not wish to embellish the shooter by publishing his name...I do not wish to make account of the incident or responses of that community and all those across the world it has impacted..
My doing so may inadvertently add weight and power to the enormous volume of pain it has already created..
Details are widely attained if it is your interest...
For myself there is no consolation in the aftermath of such violence that this man is now dead..
That he can no longer be the cause of further violence..
My motivation is rather the response we as individuals living lives in the same world may have...
Initially I shake my head and question Why?
What is the use of it?..Why is this kind of act allowed in a universe that has no value other than the process of the continuance of life?
When the shock of that question has time to stabilize the answer is obvious...If I am willing to bear it..
If I can honestly deal with the truth..
I can't go there today though...
Man, I can't even begin to surmount a argument in support of some
self inflicted tid bit of contemplation that fly's in the window due to the catastrophe that this universe is...
...I am sorry....I am just too fucking upset.
What I do have is the following to help me get through this day...I am writing it in hopes it will help you through also..
The cause and effect of this world...What makes a good thing come in to the world, or a bad thing come into the world are both independent of one another...One cause can not over come the other...
A million bad causes can not take over the world as long as there is one good cause included in the world.
So, today I am gonna' try real hard to put out good causes in the universe...Yeah, I guess it's to make me feel better too...But I feel bad you know?...I feel bad for the universe today...I think the universe needs some tender loving care..
the effects of such violence unleashed upon the world..
I do not wish to embellish the shooter by publishing his name...I do not wish to make account of the incident or responses of that community and all those across the world it has impacted..
My doing so may inadvertently add weight and power to the enormous volume of pain it has already created..
Details are widely attained if it is your interest...
For myself there is no consolation in the aftermath of such violence that this man is now dead..
That he can no longer be the cause of further violence..
My motivation is rather the response we as individuals living lives in the same world may have...
Initially I shake my head and question Why?
What is the use of it?..Why is this kind of act allowed in a universe that has no value other than the process of the continuance of life?
When the shock of that question has time to stabilize the answer is obvious...If I am willing to bear it..
If I can honestly deal with the truth..
I can't go there today though...
Man, I can't even begin to surmount a argument in support of some
self inflicted tid bit of contemplation that fly's in the window due to the catastrophe that this universe is...
...I am sorry....I am just too fucking upset.
What I do have is the following to help me get through this day...I am writing it in hopes it will help you through also..
The cause and effect of this world...What makes a good thing come in to the world, or a bad thing come into the world are both independent of one another...One cause can not over come the other...
A million bad causes can not take over the world as long as there is one good cause included in the world.
So, today I am gonna' try real hard to put out good causes in the universe...Yeah, I guess it's to make me feel better too...But I feel bad you know?...I feel bad for the universe today...I think the universe needs some tender loving care..
Saturday, September 20, 2008
First Date
My first date gives me pretty good directions and I navigate through the narrow streets of LaJolla, dealing with the new 'Euro' style traffic circles some over paid fuck wacked out on coke came up with while contemplating the universe...
...I pull into the back of the condo complex find a spot to park and of course I am early...
Like fifteen minutes early...I can smell the ocean, the place is no more than a block from the beach...I wipe my palms off on my jeans taking care not to get any on my new shirt..
I hang out ten minutes then use my cell phone and call her..It takes a minute or so to get a signal like always on the cheap little bastard..I got to check real close too when I punch in the numbers. The buttons are perfect size for Hobbits, Munchkins, or Lilliputs...
..."Hi, it's Steve, I am here"....There's a pause,.."Ok honey, give me a few minutes to just take a shower..... I'll call you back with the condo number, ok sweetie"?..
It's hot in the fucking car..That's the thing about Southern California..It's always hot in the fucking car..Even when it's raining it's hot in the fucking car..I check the flowers to make sure their not wilting..I can't stand it anymore. I get out for some air..The last thing I want is to have to pull my shirt away from a sticky body cuz it's so fucking hot in the car...I get the flowers out and set the vase on the trunk...
It's actually cooler up in the east county mountains where I live...I think it's the humidity factor down here so close to the ocean. The wild flowers are catching some kind of breeze though, threating to flip the vase over..I grab it, and manage to spill some water on my shirt...God damn flowers are turning out to be more hassel then their worth..
I picked em off an embankment on the frontage road near my house leading up to the freeway...It's just two lanes and steep banks on both sides of the road...There wasn't a lot of shoulder room and the few cars that passed me slowed down and made like New York City about it..
People in a rural community are just like the bored dogs and horses they keep..
Everything is a source of entertainment...
Probably cuz they can't get 'cable' or DSL that far out...
Also the spot I pulled off was only about 500 ft. from the Border Patrol check point...
Of course I must be loading up illegials, that's why I am stopped on the side of the road 500 ft. from the check point....
I guess that's what they thought anyway.
I pull up and get the third degree..."State your Nationality." "Where you comin' from"?..."Doing a little sight seeing"?...Ok if I check your trunk"?...
..Whatever...
...Ring, ring...It's Fallen back to me in three minutes..."Hi sweetie come on up..
There's an elevator by the mailboxes..It's the third floor number 307".....
I find the elevator and the place is quiet..No body there when the door opens...I punch the 3 button while making sure I don't tip the vase and have another accident...
Third floor landing no body around when the elevator doors open....
I step out...
The numbers on the doors are all reading in the 320's....I walk down the corridor and the damn numbers are getting bigger not smaller!...What the fuck?..
There's some adjacent halls...I walk down all of them...Ain't no number lower then 320..I set down the vase and wipe off my palms...I must have the wrong building!....
No friendly nieghbors around, no little old lady commenting "what beautiful flowers, are they for me"?...
No suit with a "can I help you", and no security guard in totalitarian attire flashing a false smile...
I grab my shirt pocket...No cell phone.. I left it in the car...
I mean, why not right? What the hell would I need it for?..I brave the elevator again back to the main entry....
There are three separate buildings in the complex....100's, 200's, 300's...No help...
I put the flowers on the trunk of the car again, they don't fall over...
I get the damn phone, ten minutes have passed now....
I check the phone...The fucker reads "no service"....
Is it me?..Is it just me, or does this kind of shit happen to you?...
My shirt, my stained shirt, is sticking to my back like wallpaper..I am walking back to the courtyard holding out my cell phone like Science Officer Spock on a random moon looking for any sign of life...
Fifteen minutes.....Holy Shit!..
I finally get a damn phone signal...Fallen's phone rings four times and the voice mail picks up...
I leave what I determine to be a rather calm message..."I can't find you,..Call me back"...
There are certain aspects in life that one can safety pedict the outcome...
Sun rises in the East, sets in the West..
The order of Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter,.......and a woman scorned..
Fallen isn't calling back...She's pissed, I know it... Leave it to me to fuck up a wet dream..
I call a couple more times and even the voice mail doesn't want to hear it...
The way of the universe seems kind of fickle to me..On one hand there are the slow steady constants..Daytime turns in to night, and nightime into day...
The rise and fall of the tides...The steady progression of the constellations..
Then there's us...Apparenty we don't qualify..
It's the same boat for all of life under the sun...
Somebody, or something somewhere is having a laugh riot at all our expense...It's the only conclusion that makes sense...
That's the scary part...Just the process of trying to make sense of it may in fact be taking an univited liberty..
...I pull into the back of the condo complex find a spot to park and of course I am early...
Like fifteen minutes early...I can smell the ocean, the place is no more than a block from the beach...I wipe my palms off on my jeans taking care not to get any on my new shirt..
I hang out ten minutes then use my cell phone and call her..It takes a minute or so to get a signal like always on the cheap little bastard..I got to check real close too when I punch in the numbers. The buttons are perfect size for Hobbits, Munchkins, or Lilliputs...
..."Hi, it's Steve, I am here"....There's a pause,.."Ok honey, give me a few minutes to just take a shower..... I'll call you back with the condo number, ok sweetie"?..
It's hot in the fucking car..That's the thing about Southern California..It's always hot in the fucking car..Even when it's raining it's hot in the fucking car..I check the flowers to make sure their not wilting..I can't stand it anymore. I get out for some air..The last thing I want is to have to pull my shirt away from a sticky body cuz it's so fucking hot in the car...I get the flowers out and set the vase on the trunk...
It's actually cooler up in the east county mountains where I live...I think it's the humidity factor down here so close to the ocean. The wild flowers are catching some kind of breeze though, threating to flip the vase over..I grab it, and manage to spill some water on my shirt...God damn flowers are turning out to be more hassel then their worth..
I picked em off an embankment on the frontage road near my house leading up to the freeway...It's just two lanes and steep banks on both sides of the road...There wasn't a lot of shoulder room and the few cars that passed me slowed down and made like New York City about it..
People in a rural community are just like the bored dogs and horses they keep..
Everything is a source of entertainment...
Probably cuz they can't get 'cable' or DSL that far out...
Also the spot I pulled off was only about 500 ft. from the Border Patrol check point...
Of course I must be loading up illegials, that's why I am stopped on the side of the road 500 ft. from the check point....
I guess that's what they thought anyway.
I pull up and get the third degree..."State your Nationality." "Where you comin' from"?..."Doing a little sight seeing"?...Ok if I check your trunk"?...
..Whatever...
...Ring, ring...It's Fallen back to me in three minutes..."Hi sweetie come on up..
There's an elevator by the mailboxes..It's the third floor number 307".....
I find the elevator and the place is quiet..No body there when the door opens...I punch the 3 button while making sure I don't tip the vase and have another accident...
Third floor landing no body around when the elevator doors open....
I step out...
The numbers on the doors are all reading in the 320's....I walk down the corridor and the damn numbers are getting bigger not smaller!...What the fuck?..
There's some adjacent halls...I walk down all of them...Ain't no number lower then 320..I set down the vase and wipe off my palms...I must have the wrong building!....
No friendly nieghbors around, no little old lady commenting "what beautiful flowers, are they for me"?...
No suit with a "can I help you", and no security guard in totalitarian attire flashing a false smile...
I grab my shirt pocket...No cell phone.. I left it in the car...
I mean, why not right? What the hell would I need it for?..I brave the elevator again back to the main entry....
There are three separate buildings in the complex....100's, 200's, 300's...No help...
I put the flowers on the trunk of the car again, they don't fall over...
I get the damn phone, ten minutes have passed now....
I check the phone...The fucker reads "no service"....
Is it me?..Is it just me, or does this kind of shit happen to you?...
My shirt, my stained shirt, is sticking to my back like wallpaper..I am walking back to the courtyard holding out my cell phone like Science Officer Spock on a random moon looking for any sign of life...
Fifteen minutes.....Holy Shit!..
I finally get a damn phone signal...Fallen's phone rings four times and the voice mail picks up...
I leave what I determine to be a rather calm message..."I can't find you,..Call me back"...
There are certain aspects in life that one can safety pedict the outcome...
Sun rises in the East, sets in the West..
The order of Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter,.......and a woman scorned..
Fallen isn't calling back...She's pissed, I know it... Leave it to me to fuck up a wet dream..
I call a couple more times and even the voice mail doesn't want to hear it...
The way of the universe seems kind of fickle to me..On one hand there are the slow steady constants..Daytime turns in to night, and nightime into day...
The rise and fall of the tides...The steady progression of the constellations..
Then there's us...Apparenty we don't qualify..
It's the same boat for all of life under the sun...
Somebody, or something somewhere is having a laugh riot at all our expense...It's the only conclusion that makes sense...
That's the scary part...Just the process of trying to make sense of it may in fact be taking an univited liberty..
Friday, September 19, 2008
Brain Shivers and other Adventures
It's been over four months since I went cold turkey off the antidepressant Paxil..
Some where, some how, antidepressant drugs got tagged 'happy pills'...
I can advise you from my experience no antideppresant even comes close
to living up to it...
My 'family Doctor' got me started on this little adventure...
Three years ago..Not cuz I was sick..
It was advised as a means to avoid getting sick...
Do to a lot of stress in my everyday life.
I used to be a automotive mechanic...
Should have taken the advice of that industry's standard..
If it ain't broken, don't fix it...
The Family Doctor wrote me a 'referral' to see a Psychiatrist...
In the movies, Psychiatrists want to hear about your 'issues'...
They let you kick back on a stylin' recliner and listen to you create a major script for daytime TV...
Somewhere along the line Psychiatrists got smarter...
Now days they are just the drug dealers..
You got to pony up to a Psychologist to get the couch treatment...
All that writing Psychologist are doing while the patient is 'working through their issues' is the real place daytime TV scripts come from...
They fax all that stuff off at the end of the week to their literary agent, and forget about it...
I know this cuz, it's the only way I can explain why Psychologists never 'really' remember what it was you were talking about during your last session..
"Refresh my memory"
Paxil is a serotonin re uptake inhibitor...It slows down the bodies natural breakdown of the chemical manufactured in the brain...
Serotonin like many chemicals our bodies manufacture to keep us balanced tends to become in short supply as we age.
Serotonin is a buffer...A cushion that helps stress 'roll off' and generally speaking a smiley face to remain...
After three months I changed my Psychiatrist...
The first guy couldn't understand why after six weeks on Paxil my smiley face hadn't flown back in the window....
I was plunged into the world of 'mental health' first with the events of my Father.
In his early forties he fell victim to a form of schizophrenic disorder..
His second wife Betsy (also schizophrenic),....My wife Shirley,.... And I, were there for him through out his twenty year battle back from a stuporous state to some sense of a fulfilled life..
Four years ago and subsequently every year after including this year, a very close friend of mine has been battling suicide..
I had the privilege by request of the patient, to sit in on Psychiatrist sessions with my Father, and Betsy his second wife...
I am closely involved with the care of my close friend and always am included in those Psychiatrist sessions also...
By my close friend's current Psychiatrist's own admission...
Medical science to date does not have the knowledge, nor the technology, to confirm the diagnosis of most types of mental health issues..
Currently most mental health issues are diagnosed by 'symptoms'..
Some forms of mental health can be 'seen' by MRI and CAT scans..
These are usually in the schizophrenic disorders class as schizophrenic disorders leave scar tissue on the brain..
The close friend I refer two has had no less than four different Psychiatrists over the last four years...
Two of them, frustrated at 'trying' one type of antidepressant for six weeks, then another type for six weeks, wound up asking the patient...
What do you think we should do?
As I write this my friend is currently back in the hospital needing another 'evaluation' do to suicidal thoughts..
The common terminology used by Paxil junkies when describing withdrawal symptoms is 'brain shivers'...It feels like wave after wave of pressure squeezing and releasing inside ones brain...
Kind of what a hyperactive dog in training must feel around it's neck with a choke collar.
Equilibrium is rudely interrupted..
You ever wake up in the middle of the night and go bumping into walls trying to get to the bathroom?...
Brain shivers are a bad hangover without the previous benefits....
The first two weeks of withdrawal mine were accompanied by a high pitched sound in my ears...
Like a bird chirp. peep..peep...That was unnerving...
My Dad's first symptoms..were a cartoon music loop that kept playing over and over in his head...I hadn't forgotten that and It was freaking me out...
Very low energy level moving in slowwww motion...
I geared up though before I dove off....Drama mine helps a little with the equilibrium...
I didn't know drama mine is a antihistamine....I usually avoid them..That's just a personal preference..
It was worth the trade of in this case..
Other weapons in the arsenal: Saint John's Wort...A natural ingredient 'good mood' enhancer....I got Tylenol to combat headaches.. I was advised they are constant throughout the detox period...
Which leads me to the detox period...The way did it....Two weeks..
There is a easier softer road....One can choose to 'wean' themselves off Paxil slowly stepping down the dosage over a three to six month period...
Some people are successful doing it that way..
It's the same concept as nicotine patch withdrawal.
Personally, I don't have that kind of patience...
Might be one reason I was prescribed the drug in the first place..
Anyway, I think a lot of mental health issues today are a result of the social life style we are leading..
There are just a lot of stress factors in everyday life..
I have taken to the determination that a healthy state of mine is greatly determined by an individuals 'way' of addressing life daily..
You ever see the movie City Slickers?...."One thing", right?....Such an awesome concept...
I am still getting to the one thing...
I feel it's real important to understand what the real 'one thing' is..
With all the pressures of what is expected both from ourselves and those around us...
I think it does a body wise to take some time to contemplate...
Get clear on what that magical 'one thing' is...for you...
Some where, some how, antidepressant drugs got tagged 'happy pills'...
I can advise you from my experience no antideppresant even comes close
to living up to it...
My 'family Doctor' got me started on this little adventure...
Three years ago..Not cuz I was sick..
It was advised as a means to avoid getting sick...
Do to a lot of stress in my everyday life.
I used to be a automotive mechanic...
Should have taken the advice of that industry's standard..
If it ain't broken, don't fix it...
The Family Doctor wrote me a 'referral' to see a Psychiatrist...
In the movies, Psychiatrists want to hear about your 'issues'...
They let you kick back on a stylin' recliner and listen to you create a major script for daytime TV...
Somewhere along the line Psychiatrists got smarter...
Now days they are just the drug dealers..
You got to pony up to a Psychologist to get the couch treatment...
All that writing Psychologist are doing while the patient is 'working through their issues' is the real place daytime TV scripts come from...
They fax all that stuff off at the end of the week to their literary agent, and forget about it...
I know this cuz, it's the only way I can explain why Psychologists never 'really' remember what it was you were talking about during your last session..
"Refresh my memory"
Paxil is a serotonin re uptake inhibitor...It slows down the bodies natural breakdown of the chemical manufactured in the brain...
Serotonin like many chemicals our bodies manufacture to keep us balanced tends to become in short supply as we age.
Serotonin is a buffer...A cushion that helps stress 'roll off' and generally speaking a smiley face to remain...
After three months I changed my Psychiatrist...
The first guy couldn't understand why after six weeks on Paxil my smiley face hadn't flown back in the window....
I was plunged into the world of 'mental health' first with the events of my Father.
In his early forties he fell victim to a form of schizophrenic disorder..
His second wife Betsy (also schizophrenic),....My wife Shirley,.... And I, were there for him through out his twenty year battle back from a stuporous state to some sense of a fulfilled life..
Four years ago and subsequently every year after including this year, a very close friend of mine has been battling suicide..
I had the privilege by request of the patient, to sit in on Psychiatrist sessions with my Father, and Betsy his second wife...
I am closely involved with the care of my close friend and always am included in those Psychiatrist sessions also...
By my close friend's current Psychiatrist's own admission...
Medical science to date does not have the knowledge, nor the technology, to confirm the diagnosis of most types of mental health issues..
Currently most mental health issues are diagnosed by 'symptoms'..
Some forms of mental health can be 'seen' by MRI and CAT scans..
These are usually in the schizophrenic disorders class as schizophrenic disorders leave scar tissue on the brain..
The close friend I refer two has had no less than four different Psychiatrists over the last four years...
Two of them, frustrated at 'trying' one type of antidepressant for six weeks, then another type for six weeks, wound up asking the patient...
What do you think we should do?
As I write this my friend is currently back in the hospital needing another 'evaluation' do to suicidal thoughts..
The common terminology used by Paxil junkies when describing withdrawal symptoms is 'brain shivers'...It feels like wave after wave of pressure squeezing and releasing inside ones brain...
Kind of what a hyperactive dog in training must feel around it's neck with a choke collar.
Equilibrium is rudely interrupted..
You ever wake up in the middle of the night and go bumping into walls trying to get to the bathroom?...
Brain shivers are a bad hangover without the previous benefits....
The first two weeks of withdrawal mine were accompanied by a high pitched sound in my ears...
Like a bird chirp. peep..peep...That was unnerving...
My Dad's first symptoms..were a cartoon music loop that kept playing over and over in his head...I hadn't forgotten that and It was freaking me out...
Very low energy level moving in slowwww motion...
I geared up though before I dove off....Drama mine helps a little with the equilibrium...
I didn't know drama mine is a antihistamine....I usually avoid them..That's just a personal preference..
It was worth the trade of in this case..
Other weapons in the arsenal: Saint John's Wort...A natural ingredient 'good mood' enhancer....I got Tylenol to combat headaches.. I was advised they are constant throughout the detox period...
Which leads me to the detox period...The way did it....Two weeks..
There is a easier softer road....One can choose to 'wean' themselves off Paxil slowly stepping down the dosage over a three to six month period...
Some people are successful doing it that way..
It's the same concept as nicotine patch withdrawal.
Personally, I don't have that kind of patience...
Might be one reason I was prescribed the drug in the first place..
Anyway, I think a lot of mental health issues today are a result of the social life style we are leading..
There are just a lot of stress factors in everyday life..
I have taken to the determination that a healthy state of mine is greatly determined by an individuals 'way' of addressing life daily..
You ever see the movie City Slickers?...."One thing", right?....Such an awesome concept...
I am still getting to the one thing...
I feel it's real important to understand what the real 'one thing' is..
With all the pressures of what is expected both from ourselves and those around us...
I think it does a body wise to take some time to contemplate...
Get clear on what that magical 'one thing' is...for you...
Monday, September 15, 2008
The Role of Religion in the New World
It's not my fault..I was instigated...
The Pope's lesson on the necessity to allow God to
make determination of the end of life drove me to it..
"People must accept death at the hour chosen by God"...
Pope Benedict XV1....
I love this Pope...He is a truly compassionate being...
He reminds me of Pope Paul the sixth..Another compassionate being...
Apparently some European countries decision to integrate a more human element of control concerning the issue of euthanasia fueled the Roman Catholic Church's decision to speak currently on the issue...
Per the Associated Press's article I read on yahoo...Belgium and The Netherlands have legalized euthanasia, and France is in the midst of renewed debate on the issue..
The teaching of the Church concerning this subject has not changed...It is based on the same sanctity of life, moral view that encompasses the Church's 'right to life' stand on abortion..
Abortion, euthanasia, are social issues today due to seedlings of thought beginning with the cultural revolution of the 1960's and 70's...
I believe those seeds have been cultivated by way of technological advances in natural sciences starting in the 1980's and still gathering momentum as we speak...
Mankind's horizon's are no longer manageable by the great Religious Institutions.
Faith, as a viable means of spiritual growth finds it's self shouting when a whisper would suffice not more than thirty years ago..
As gains in scientific discipline advent the once socially accepted norm 'we do not have the capacity to know'...begins to crumble and no body can find a legitimate reason to remodel.....
Mankind wants to 'know'...Mankind has always wanted to know...It is the nature of our beings..
Faith has held the high cards because Mankind has not had sufficient tools in the past to present viable challenge to the 'we do not have the capacity to know' ideal...
Questioning is a faith based religion's greatest concern ..
Let me just make the point, this concern is truly not based out of fear, as is the popular view of those who adhere to the concepts of atheism...
Instead I believe the greater concern is actually based in compassion...
The great religious Institutions want to preserve the ideals of Moralism...
As faith becomes a more questionable means of life value, pressure is placed on the shoulders of religion in regard to how society views their total value...
I was raised a Roman Catholic and my introduction to that faith left with me a great respect for Jesus Christ and his gifts to the world..
Christ was a realist and presented his message to a pre-scientific world...
Christ was also a revolutionary teacher in that he did question the status quo..
I believe in the spirit of Christ and I believe that spirit is here with us today...
I don't believe he is one to be found crouching in the shadows of fear...It is not his style..
As Mankind breaks away from faith he must do so cautiously...Man kind survived the ice ages due to his ability to remember the value of 'what got me this far'...Man's duelist role of both predator and prey instinctively ingrained a common sense of caution..
This is a good thing..
The fact is Religious institutions still have a great value to offer 'modern man'...Religious Institution have always taken the great and honorable responsibility of leaders and preservers of Morality...
It is this great and solemn responsibility that dictates these institutions move slowly...It is a prerequisite...Man is ADHD...Religion realizes this...Moral code is like a natural resource...Once given up it can not be restored...
Religious Institution realizes it's own mistakes over the years..It's own failure at it's own Moral code...Again, we are all only human...
I agree with the need for checks and balances working in our lives today...
On one hand, I am thrilled at the advances Man is making in the areas of technologies and science..
We are on the brink of something amazing in regards to man's ability to understand...
It is the self inherent responsibility of those who have chosen to carry the torch of Morality, to insure we venture into that new world together...
The Pope's lesson on the necessity to allow God to
make determination of the end of life drove me to it..
"People must accept death at the hour chosen by God"...
Pope Benedict XV1....
I love this Pope...He is a truly compassionate being...
He reminds me of Pope Paul the sixth..Another compassionate being...
Apparently some European countries decision to integrate a more human element of control concerning the issue of euthanasia fueled the Roman Catholic Church's decision to speak currently on the issue...
Per the Associated Press's article I read on yahoo...Belgium and The Netherlands have legalized euthanasia, and France is in the midst of renewed debate on the issue..
The teaching of the Church concerning this subject has not changed...It is based on the same sanctity of life, moral view that encompasses the Church's 'right to life' stand on abortion..
Abortion, euthanasia, are social issues today due to seedlings of thought beginning with the cultural revolution of the 1960's and 70's...
I believe those seeds have been cultivated by way of technological advances in natural sciences starting in the 1980's and still gathering momentum as we speak...
Mankind's horizon's are no longer manageable by the great Religious Institutions.
Faith, as a viable means of spiritual growth finds it's self shouting when a whisper would suffice not more than thirty years ago..
As gains in scientific discipline advent the once socially accepted norm 'we do not have the capacity to know'...begins to crumble and no body can find a legitimate reason to remodel.....
Mankind wants to 'know'...Mankind has always wanted to know...It is the nature of our beings..
Faith has held the high cards because Mankind has not had sufficient tools in the past to present viable challenge to the 'we do not have the capacity to know' ideal...
Questioning is a faith based religion's greatest concern ..
Let me just make the point, this concern is truly not based out of fear, as is the popular view of those who adhere to the concepts of atheism...
Instead I believe the greater concern is actually based in compassion...
The great religious Institutions want to preserve the ideals of Moralism...
As faith becomes a more questionable means of life value, pressure is placed on the shoulders of religion in regard to how society views their total value...
I was raised a Roman Catholic and my introduction to that faith left with me a great respect for Jesus Christ and his gifts to the world..
Christ was a realist and presented his message to a pre-scientific world...
Christ was also a revolutionary teacher in that he did question the status quo..
I believe in the spirit of Christ and I believe that spirit is here with us today...
I don't believe he is one to be found crouching in the shadows of fear...It is not his style..
As Mankind breaks away from faith he must do so cautiously...Man kind survived the ice ages due to his ability to remember the value of 'what got me this far'...Man's duelist role of both predator and prey instinctively ingrained a common sense of caution..
This is a good thing..
The fact is Religious institutions still have a great value to offer 'modern man'...Religious Institution have always taken the great and honorable responsibility of leaders and preservers of Morality...
It is this great and solemn responsibility that dictates these institutions move slowly...It is a prerequisite...Man is ADHD...Religion realizes this...Moral code is like a natural resource...Once given up it can not be restored...
Religious Institution realizes it's own mistakes over the years..It's own failure at it's own Moral code...Again, we are all only human...
I agree with the need for checks and balances working in our lives today...
On one hand, I am thrilled at the advances Man is making in the areas of technologies and science..
We are on the brink of something amazing in regards to man's ability to understand...
It is the self inherent responsibility of those who have chosen to carry the torch of Morality, to insure we venture into that new world together...
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Thou Shall Not Kill
There are no creatures alive on this planet that don't survive at the expense of others..
It would be a mistake to propose literal adaption the age old moral pillar Thou Shall Not Kill.
To do so and exist would be impossible...
Even at our most innocent state of conscience our bodies are at work killing to protect us..
Without white blood cells killing invading microbes we would surely die..
With that established it qualifies the concept of 'justified killing'...
In an effort to understand the moral division line of justified or non justified killing, I once again find myself seeking to step through yet another door of perception..
As I am a relative child in experience and skilled process concerning the area of life loosely defined as contemplative..
It has been some time since the text above was written and this text added..
I have however chosen what I believe to be an adequate door of perception for our journey..
INTENT....
As established earlier killing must be allowed, it must be justified within the realm we live..
Without that license, I for one could not bear to view the despair of life as we know it..
There would be no hope for us as spiritual beings..
I do not believe in my heart, that it is the nature of the universe to exist such a realm by which spiritual growth is unattainable..
Man's typical hierarchy of life puts Human's at the top of the list then 'animals' and 'apples' somewhere down below..
This conception is a result of Man's self-centered ness...
It is a notion that has always bothered me and taken many moons of reflection to sort out...
Self-centered ness in and of itself is inherent in all life forms as we currently know them..
It is a necessary developed instinct common to all in a world based upon survival of the fittest..
However Human kind have taken up the flagship of 'self' to the extent of inflicting such conflict and violence
not seen by any other life form..
Couple this 'ego' with a creative intellect and all other life learns quickly to run for cover..
So have I surmised that the degree of self-centered ness practiced in the act of killing will greatly effect
the INTENT of the killing..
It is the value contained in the INTENT of the act that determines the degree of justification or unjustifiable the act it self..
When I was a child of eight years, my Parents bought me a pellet gun as a gift..
My Father was an avid fishermen and hunter..
I am sure he meant it as my introduction into a form of recreation he so enjoyed..
As was my first fishing pole and reel...
Both my Parents held a reverence for nature and that value was instilled in me..
The golden rule: What ever was killed was to be eaten for food..
I would accompany my Father on fishing and hunting trips although I was too young to hunt, and
too distracted by my surroundings to be a patient fisherman.
I did however experience the excitement of the catch..
Initially I was allowed to target practice with my pellet gun in the back yard..
One day however, my Father and I went on an excursion in the woods near our home.
I brought the pellet gun along..The memory of the excitement of the catch was my
determination for bringing the gun with me that day..
A group of small blackbirds were feeding on the forest floor and I decided I should try to
shoot one of these birds..I did so from a distance and succeeded in only wounding a bird, not killing it
right out...
I approached the fluttering bird as it struggled between life and death..It was in obvious great pain, great fear,
helpless and innocent...
The excitement of the kill only a moment ago was now completely alien to me..
My heart burst for what I had done, for no good reason, to another life...
I stood over the dying bird with the pellet gun still in my hands...A great overwhelming sadness enveloped me
and with no other thought than to end it's suffering,
I emptied the remaining pellets into the bird until I was certain it was dead.
I have continued to fish from time to time over the years..My Father, a knowledgeable man, advised me
the nervous system of fish is primitive in the evolutionary scheme of things..Fish don't feel much pain
as I perceive it to be...
Much to my Father's disappointment however, I never picked up a gun again..
The first INTENT in the example is one of self-centered ness..
Clearly disrespect coupled with self-centered ness the motivation of intent per the shooting..
The actual act of killing however was with the intent of compassion..
Self-centered quilt no doubt played a role.
This event took place fourty-eight years ago and has resurfaced in my memory from time to time
through out my life...
To this day,I clearly recall the emotions...
I have found that often what becomes apparent stumbling down these little roads of perception
are answers as if depicted in one way road sign warnings..
The answer to 'self-centered ness'...is 'compassion'...
The justification in killing becomes...'with reverence'...
It would be a mistake to propose literal adaption the age old moral pillar Thou Shall Not Kill.
To do so and exist would be impossible...
Even at our most innocent state of conscience our bodies are at work killing to protect us..
Without white blood cells killing invading microbes we would surely die..
With that established it qualifies the concept of 'justified killing'...
In an effort to understand the moral division line of justified or non justified killing, I once again find myself seeking to step through yet another door of perception..
As I am a relative child in experience and skilled process concerning the area of life loosely defined as contemplative..
It has been some time since the text above was written and this text added..
I have however chosen what I believe to be an adequate door of perception for our journey..
INTENT....
As established earlier killing must be allowed, it must be justified within the realm we live..
Without that license, I for one could not bear to view the despair of life as we know it..
There would be no hope for us as spiritual beings..
I do not believe in my heart, that it is the nature of the universe to exist such a realm by which spiritual growth is unattainable..
Man's typical hierarchy of life puts Human's at the top of the list then 'animals' and 'apples' somewhere down below..
This conception is a result of Man's self-centered ness...
It is a notion that has always bothered me and taken many moons of reflection to sort out...
Self-centered ness in and of itself is inherent in all life forms as we currently know them..
It is a necessary developed instinct common to all in a world based upon survival of the fittest..
However Human kind have taken up the flagship of 'self' to the extent of inflicting such conflict and violence
not seen by any other life form..
Couple this 'ego' with a creative intellect and all other life learns quickly to run for cover..
So have I surmised that the degree of self-centered ness practiced in the act of killing will greatly effect
the INTENT of the killing..
It is the value contained in the INTENT of the act that determines the degree of justification or unjustifiable the act it self..
When I was a child of eight years, my Parents bought me a pellet gun as a gift..
My Father was an avid fishermen and hunter..
I am sure he meant it as my introduction into a form of recreation he so enjoyed..
As was my first fishing pole and reel...
Both my Parents held a reverence for nature and that value was instilled in me..
The golden rule: What ever was killed was to be eaten for food..
I would accompany my Father on fishing and hunting trips although I was too young to hunt, and
too distracted by my surroundings to be a patient fisherman.
I did however experience the excitement of the catch..
Initially I was allowed to target practice with my pellet gun in the back yard..
One day however, my Father and I went on an excursion in the woods near our home.
I brought the pellet gun along..The memory of the excitement of the catch was my
determination for bringing the gun with me that day..
A group of small blackbirds were feeding on the forest floor and I decided I should try to
shoot one of these birds..I did so from a distance and succeeded in only wounding a bird, not killing it
right out...
I approached the fluttering bird as it struggled between life and death..It was in obvious great pain, great fear,
helpless and innocent...
The excitement of the kill only a moment ago was now completely alien to me..
My heart burst for what I had done, for no good reason, to another life...
I stood over the dying bird with the pellet gun still in my hands...A great overwhelming sadness enveloped me
and with no other thought than to end it's suffering,
I emptied the remaining pellets into the bird until I was certain it was dead.
I have continued to fish from time to time over the years..My Father, a knowledgeable man, advised me
the nervous system of fish is primitive in the evolutionary scheme of things..Fish don't feel much pain
as I perceive it to be...
Much to my Father's disappointment however, I never picked up a gun again..
The first INTENT in the example is one of self-centered ness..
Clearly disrespect coupled with self-centered ness the motivation of intent per the shooting..
The actual act of killing however was with the intent of compassion..
Self-centered quilt no doubt played a role.
This event took place fourty-eight years ago and has resurfaced in my memory from time to time
through out my life...
To this day,I clearly recall the emotions...
I have found that often what becomes apparent stumbling down these little roads of perception
are answers as if depicted in one way road sign warnings..
The answer to 'self-centered ness'...is 'compassion'...
The justification in killing becomes...'with reverence'...
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Evil versus Evil?
You all do it right?..
You know, from time to time, reflect on the 'way things are?'..
Find yourself questioning the wisdom of the ancients?..
For me, it starts with a word...
Since childhood I've been fascinated with concept of morality. Both Human and practiced by other species..
After a lot of repetitive thought I eventually came to a kind of foundation starting point on the subject..
Moral values are fluid..They are relative.
Relative to culture...Social customs...Personal preference...Species...
Also subject to change based on time, place, and degree..
As a grown up child I have revisited the subject during reflective moments and
drawn further conclusions..
Morality is a created value system activated by response to circumstances.
By created I mean concocted as opposed to for example,...gravity..
I would attempt to clarify by writing: Morality is a defined and adopted response
to circumstances rising from the interaction of positive and negative forces playing out in our daily lives..
Would you agree with that?..
Doin so would put you in line with a lot of folks who believe the existence of positive and negative forces are as much a part of reality as gravity..
I know I sure did...'Shit happens' and all that...
Lately though, journeying down my fledgling path of perception..I have been hampered by reoccurring pangs of doubt...
Like deciding to go hiking wearing shorts cuz the weather seems to dictate it..Then finding oneself trapped in the middle of a thistle patch..
For me, the diligence required to set out on the path is challenge enough...
My mind keeps getting in the way..
It hurts actually..
There is a constant battle going on and, my mind is sneaky..
It doesn't play fair...I think it's envy or something akin to jealousy..
It's opponent has no name...
My mind however has a name for it..."Nagging Virago"...
I am sure the Nag is not a separate avenue of thought within my own mind, as it communicates ideas my mind doesn't want to deal with..
One mean offensive tactic of my mind is it's capacity to create fatigue forcing me to turn away from the path of perception...
It follows up as a wicked Step Mother slyly promising to allow my return to the path at a later date..
"You can go there tomorrow...In the morning, when your rested....Oh, wait...Your going to be busy with other stuff tomorrow...Maybe the next day then.."
"Besides, loosecanon, your boring me,...and everyone around you.."
What if good and bad,... those positive and negative forces, are actually just creations themselves?
They exist no doubt..We deal with them every waking moment of every day..But are they physics of the universe? Like gravity I mean...
Or are they a creation of the living?
Zen claims they exist like gravity...They are a result of a law of the universe called Cause and Effect...
According to Zen, the universe at it's perfect harmonious state is like a glassy lake..
Every movement be it physical or mental thought, by all things in existence 'cause' a ripple in the lake..
As all things in existence are a part of the universe the ripple is experienced by all that exists..Thus the 'effect'...The entire process is termed 'karmic'...
Weight is added to the effect of this natural phenomenon in terms of the intent of the initial act of movement..
Thus the effect of karmic events can be categorized and termed... 'Good' karma, 'Bad' karma, or 'Indifferent' karma...
The categorizing of karmic events is done through the process of Moral values...
It is at this very point on my path of perception I find myself scratching involuntarily at thistle needles...
If the definition of the perfect harmonious state of the universe is undisturbed...Then any karmic activity of any intent is a disturbance of the perfect state...
Logic leads to only one conclusion...Any karmic event must logically be categorized as 'Bad'...
If all karmic events are 'bad' then where does the term 'good' or 'indifferent' come from?
It comes from the same place morality comes from...
My head hurts...
You know, from time to time, reflect on the 'way things are?'..
Find yourself questioning the wisdom of the ancients?..
For me, it starts with a word...
Since childhood I've been fascinated with concept of morality. Both Human and practiced by other species..
After a lot of repetitive thought I eventually came to a kind of foundation starting point on the subject..
Moral values are fluid..They are relative.
Relative to culture...Social customs...Personal preference...Species...
Also subject to change based on time, place, and degree..
As a grown up child I have revisited the subject during reflective moments and
drawn further conclusions..
Morality is a created value system activated by response to circumstances.
By created I mean concocted as opposed to for example,...gravity..
I would attempt to clarify by writing: Morality is a defined and adopted response
to circumstances rising from the interaction of positive and negative forces playing out in our daily lives..
Would you agree with that?..
Doin so would put you in line with a lot of folks who believe the existence of positive and negative forces are as much a part of reality as gravity..
I know I sure did...'Shit happens' and all that...
Lately though, journeying down my fledgling path of perception..I have been hampered by reoccurring pangs of doubt...
Like deciding to go hiking wearing shorts cuz the weather seems to dictate it..Then finding oneself trapped in the middle of a thistle patch..
For me, the diligence required to set out on the path is challenge enough...
My mind keeps getting in the way..
It hurts actually..
There is a constant battle going on and, my mind is sneaky..
It doesn't play fair...I think it's envy or something akin to jealousy..
It's opponent has no name...
My mind however has a name for it..."Nagging Virago"...
I am sure the Nag is not a separate avenue of thought within my own mind, as it communicates ideas my mind doesn't want to deal with..
One mean offensive tactic of my mind is it's capacity to create fatigue forcing me to turn away from the path of perception...
It follows up as a wicked Step Mother slyly promising to allow my return to the path at a later date..
"You can go there tomorrow...In the morning, when your rested....Oh, wait...Your going to be busy with other stuff tomorrow...Maybe the next day then.."
"Besides, loosecanon, your boring me,...and everyone around you.."
What if good and bad,... those positive and negative forces, are actually just creations themselves?
They exist no doubt..We deal with them every waking moment of every day..But are they physics of the universe? Like gravity I mean...
Or are they a creation of the living?
Zen claims they exist like gravity...They are a result of a law of the universe called Cause and Effect...
According to Zen, the universe at it's perfect harmonious state is like a glassy lake..
Every movement be it physical or mental thought, by all things in existence 'cause' a ripple in the lake..
As all things in existence are a part of the universe the ripple is experienced by all that exists..Thus the 'effect'...The entire process is termed 'karmic'...
Weight is added to the effect of this natural phenomenon in terms of the intent of the initial act of movement..
Thus the effect of karmic events can be categorized and termed... 'Good' karma, 'Bad' karma, or 'Indifferent' karma...
The categorizing of karmic events is done through the process of Moral values...
It is at this very point on my path of perception I find myself scratching involuntarily at thistle needles...
If the definition of the perfect harmonious state of the universe is undisturbed...Then any karmic activity of any intent is a disturbance of the perfect state...
Logic leads to only one conclusion...Any karmic event must logically be categorized as 'Bad'...
If all karmic events are 'bad' then where does the term 'good' or 'indifferent' come from?
It comes from the same place morality comes from...
My head hurts...
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